How Are You Using Your Power?

Hello dear readers!

I’d like to begin this newsletter with some honesty and vulnerability…

I started writing this post early last week. I decide on the topic of power because I had a moment at work that got me thinking about it’s role in my life, and was so clear on what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it and the personal examples I wanted to share. I thought to myself, “This one will be a breeze to write and send off!”

And then, some things happened: a deep dive back into anti-racism work with colleagues, and some supreme court decisions that deepened even more division, pain, and inequity. And I suddenly found myself at a loss for words, mired in confusion and anger and fear, full of doubt that I had anything valuable or intelligent or healing to offer on a topic so big and overwhelming, at a moment when all I could think about was how power gets abused and misused and hoarded. And full of shame for retreating from an important societal conversation and exploration rather than leaning in and engaging courageously with it.

In short, I felt…powerless.

Maybe you can relate…maybe you’ve been here before…maybe you’re here right now. Wherever you’re at, know that it’s okay, and that you’re exactly where you need to be.

So. After kindness from others that helped me be kinder to myself in the past 24 hours, I’m ready to try again.

Today, I’d like to share with you what I wrote before the overwhelm consumed me, before the fear and anger and self-doubt silenced my voice, before I lost that connection with something bigger and deeper and wiser than this one moment and place in time.

Because sharing ourselves and our stories imperfectly is what connects us, helps us know ourselves and each other more deeply, reminds us that we are never truly alone, and brings our wise & compassionate selves back into the driver’s seat. And hoping…no, believing…that even one thing I write might bring you, dear reader, the smallest amount of clarity or comfort or insight in your life, is enough fuel for me to keep creating and sharing my voice with you.

And THAT is some powerful shit.

Thank you for holding space and for reading this. And now, the newsletter…

How often do you think of yourself as “powerful”?

Maybe this feeling comes easily to you in many areas of your life. Maybe it only arises when you feel that you are in “charge” of something, like driving a car or cooking a meal or giving a presentation. Maybe you almost never feel it to be true.

However it shows up (or not), the truth is, every single one of us possesses some level of power.

What do I mean by “power”? Here are some definitions:
*the ability to do something or act in a particular way

*ability to produce an effect

*the capacity or ability to direct or influence the behavior of others or an outcome

Notice that all these definitions point to both the power we each have over our own actions as well as the impact we have on those around us. (And note that none of these particular definitions feature the word CONTROL.)

Often, we are completely unaware of the power we possess. (That is the subject of a future newsletter). Today, I want to talk about what happens when we perceive that we’ve LOST some level of power.

When we perceive that we are powerless, we often go into one of these automatic reactions: we may flee/avoid the situation, we may fight back to prove our strength & to feel in control, or we may slip into a shutdown state of victimhood.

These primal responses are directly tied to our nervous system. A perceived or real loss of power activates a fear response that can send us into either into the sympathetic branch of our nervous system (where there’s a perception of danger that triggers us to stay & fight or to flee the situation) or into the dorsal state of our parasympathetic nervous system (where our system perceives so great a survival threat that it becomes immobilized or “freezes”). When we’ve experienced trauma or have been in a prolonged state of fight or flight, the dorsal state is more likely to take over our bodies & minds (think: burnout).

Maybe you can remember moments where you’ve slipped into one of these two states, or recognize that you have a tendency to slip into one more easily than another when under stress (I know that I personally tend to have a surge of “fight or flight” energy but then quickly drop into the dorsal state of victimhood & shutdown).

When we are unaware of the impact that power has on us, we can become at the mercy of our feelings and act in ways that pull us out of alignment with our values and goals.

I’ve had many moments in my teaching career where I’ve felt powerless. And sometimes, my reactions were not ones that I’m proud of.

The most tense moments have often came up for me when faced with a child’s behavior that triggered my sense of “danger”: ignoring my messages/directions, hiding from the group, and physical aggression aimed at me or other children have all been hot buttons for me in the classroom.

In the worst of these moments, I’d feel the heat of fear and shame rise up through my body as the instantaneous shit-storm of thoughts swirled in my head at an often sub-conscious level (”I’m a bad teacher”, “Something horrible is going to happen and it will all be my fault”, “I need to be in control of this situation and this child”).

And these internal experiences would sometimes lead me to act from a place of urgency and panic in a desperate attempt to have power OVER the child and the situation: quickly grabbing them as they tried to run away, attempting to yank the toy or material out of their hands, using a threatening voice (anyone who knows me knows that my attempt to be “threatening” is almost laughable…;)).

And after the situation had ended or come to some resolution, the inevitable horribleness would arise in me: “How could I have been so reactive? Why couldn’t I have handled that differently/with more wisdom/compassion? Why am I so bad at this??”

But what I’ve come to realize, and what I hope to convey to you today, is this:

In those moments when we lose our cool, when we have a reaction that is bigger than the actual situation at hand, when we feel flooded with fear and panic, when we can’t breathe and can’t think straight and feel so impulsive and out of alignment with who we truly are…these are not signs that something is wrong with us.

Rather, these are signals from our nervous system telling us that we have been emotionally hooked by something in our environment. And often, that hook has some connection to our sense of empowerment.

For me, I came to see how my reactivity was directly tied to my story and perception of being a “bad” teacher and not being “in control” of my classroom. Because I cared deeply about being an excellent teacher and creating a safe and welcoming classroom environment, these thoughts directly challenged my values and beliefs about myself and my work.

The closer the issue is to our heart & identity, the stronger that sense of fear and danger will be when we perceive a loss of power.

The good news is: just as our nervous system responds so quickly to signs of danger and threat, it also responds effectively to signs of SAFETY.

Knowing what brings us back to a regulated state of calm & trust (also known as the ventral branch of the parasympathetic nervous system) is what helps us stay grounded and empowered during moments of stress and uncertainty.

Pausing to take a breath, looking out the window at a view of nature, taking a break, smiling (or noticing the smile of another), having a laugh with someone, touching something soothing, moving your body, looking up or away from the “situation” for a moment, noticing a pleasing piece of art or image on the wall, a scent that brings you comfort, telling yourself/thinking supportive messages like “there’s no problem to solve here, all is well, I’m capable”…these are simple, in-the-moment strategies that can help bring your nervous system back online in moments of fear and panic.

I invite you to take a moment to reflect…what tends to trigger a perceived loss of power for you? What does your typical response look like when this happens? And what strategies and support people might you turn to help get your nervous system back to a state of calm, ease, and trust?

Now…with all of this in mind, let’s get really real for a moment.

Power, in our society, is not something that is equitably accessed or shared. We live in a stratified and racialized nation which was built on the hoarding of power by few to the disenfranchisement of many. Our nation’s history of colonization and white supremacist ideals has created injustices and inequities that continue to deeply impact people’s quality of life and access to financial, institutional, and social power today. These are truths that cannot be denied or diminished if we are to achieve true healing, justice, and equity as a nation.

What I want to convey to you today is what is also true: that, no matter our situation or who we are, no matter where we’re from or the pain we’ve endured, and no matter how high the odds may seem stacked against us at times, we each have a light within us that can never be extinguished. This light is our POWER to shape how we see ourselves, how we see the world around us, and how we choose to show up. Even in times when we feel “powerless”, we ALWAYS have choice around how we perceive and show up.

And we don’t have to do this all by ourselves. (We weren’t built to thrive alone!)

So, next time you’ve come out of a fight, flight, or shutdown state, ask yourself:
-what are/were my thoughts about this situation?
-how are/were these thoughts impacting my mental & emotional state?
-what would be a more empowering thought that I could try on instead?
-what power DO I have to influence this situation in a way that’s aligned with my values & goals?
-what support, if any, do I need to make this shift? (who can I confide in?)

I’d love to hear how this landed for you and your own thoughts, stories, and experiences with power.

Yours in love, light, and wildness,

Becky

P.S. - Looking for more support around this topic?
1) For a deeper dive into how you’re perceiving the world around you and how that’s impacting your relationships, work experiences, and sense of fulfillment, sign up on my website to take the Energy Leadership Index Assessment (ELI) and schedule a one-on-one debrief with me!

2) If you’re in the Seattle area and wanting more support for an over-taxed nervous system, I’m offering a new Hiking & Coaching experience that will help connect you with the restorative, healing power of nature and time for gentle reflection in a beautiful outdoor setting.

3) Want to know more about this nervous system stuff? Here’s an excellent short video explaining Polyvagal theory and how trauma & chronic stress can impact our nervous system responses.