Choosing Gratitude over Guilt

When was the last time you felt grateful for something or someone in your life?

Maybe it was a ‘big’ event or experience like finding your spouse, getting a clean bill of health, or accomplishing an important goal you’d been working hard towards. Or maybe it was even a ‘small’ moment when you felt thankful for that fresh cup of morning coffee, for some sunlight breaking through a rainy day (Hello, Seattleites), or time spent with a friend.

Now think about some of the other feelings that came up for you alongside that gratitude...perhaps you also felt the joy, freedom, and generosity that often arise in us when we focus on what’s “good” in our lives.

But have you ever had a moment, post gratitude-high, that felt like the other end of the emotional spectrum...like tinges of guilt or fear?

Guilt that you ‘don’t deserve it’, that others aren’t as fortunate as you, that you’re somehow taking ‘too much’ for yourself, that you haven’t done ‘enough’ in return...?

Fear that you might somehow ‘lose’ this good thing, that it won’t last, that there’s hardship/bad news around the corner, that you’ll never possibly be able to re-pay a kindness or generosity shown to you, or even of the vulnerability required to express your gratitude to someone else...?

Gratitude is both one of the most powerful and most elusive feelings we can experience as human beings. Logically, many of us KNOW that it is a helpful mindset to choose when trying to shift our perspective, for deeply connecting with others, and for working through challenges in our lives.

And yet, it can be a complicated animal.

“People usually think that gratitude is saying thank you...Gratefulness is not just saying thank you.’ It’s acting. It is being yourself...The most important aspect of gratitude is trust in life.”
-David Steindl-Rast

This week I’ve been reflecting on my own slippery relationship with gratitude.

My mother’s birthday a few days ago brought up so much gratitude in me for her love and guidance, for her presence and support, for being the rock I could lean on while she was alive and on this earth, and for the continued spiritual connection I feel with her now.

Yet (within that grief that still lingers when we lose someone dear to us), I also felt some familiar tugs of guilt and fear...that I didn’t spend “enough” time with her, that I didn’t show her “enough” how much she meant to me, that I’m not doing “enough” to honor her memory, even that I may have let her or my family down by not taking on more of her role in our family after she died.

(You know, a funny thing happened as I put these words down on the page...my mom’s voice, clear as a bell in my ear, saying in her warm and wonderful way, “Oh, Becky, come on!” ;))

Maybe you can relate to this experience of letting guilt and fear ruin a good thing like gratitude.

But what if the guilt and the fear weren’t its enemies? What if instead we saw guilt & fear for what they really are: remnants of old stories that aren’t True, signposts trying to tell us about our own values, and signals alerting us to what’s most important to us?

In my story, the guilt and the fear want to make damn sure that I am paying full attention to the sacredness of my relationship with my mom, to the love and support me and my family continue to share, and to the ways that I can continue to pay these gifts forward by living my full and authentic life.

And the beautiful thing, the most empowering thing, is that when we know this, we can tell that guilt and that fear: hey, my Gratitude already has this job covered...you can go rest now!

In his book, Think Like a Monk, author Jay Shetty dedicates an entire chapter to the subject of gratitude. He challenges readers to “Build your gratitude like a muscle. If you train it now, it will only strengthen over time.”

If you’re anything like me, you’ve likely spent much of your life building that guilt & fear muscle instead. And because our human brains evolved to always be on the lookout for danger (real or imagined), it’s only natural that these emotions have been getting more of a workout!

So what would “building your gratitude muscle” look like in your daily life?

Connecting to gratitude is not only a way that I’ve been able to feel deeply connected with my mom and my family, over the years and across a distance. It is also what helps me return to joy and ease in my life, to a desire to engage and connect with the world around me, to a sense of generosity and abundance, and to a commitment to paying the love and support I’ve received in my own life forward to others.

What would be possible in your life if you chose gratitude?

In love, light, and wildness,

Becky