What Do You Do with A Thing Called Disappointment?

What does the word ‘disappointment’ bring up in you? Perhaps a felt sense of heaviness in your body? A painful memory or past experience? A desire to turn away or “look on the bright side”?

I got my own big dose of disappointment this week…and it wasn’t pretty.

My partner, Mischa, and I decided a few months ago to start the process of buying our first home. For anyone who’s been on this journey, you’ve likely experienced that roller coaster of emotions that comes with making one of the biggest purchases of your lifetime (true especially to those living in the United States). We’ve toured a lot of places so far, and lost a bid on one house already, and I’ve been taking it all (mostly) in stride.

Then, last weekend, we found a place that I fell completely in love with upon first sight. The RATIONAL part of me knew a) there’d be steep competition for this particular house in this particular housing market right now in a city like Seattle, and b) there will be other choices out there if this one didn’t work out. The EMOTIONAL part of me, though, was already attached to the dream that it was perfect and it was ‘our’s.’ I was so certain that the sellers would pick us, that this place was meant for us! We submitted our bid yesterday and eagerly awaited the good news all morning.

Well. The universe had other plans. And so did the sellers…they went with a much higher offer from a different buyer. (Turns out we weren’t the only ones who were in love with the place)

Commence the roller-coaster!

When I first got the call that we weren’t chosen, I felt that pang of disappointment immediately. But, my rational and “look-for-the-silver-lining” brain quickly took over. Thoughts of, “this is all part of the process, we put our best foot forward, it wasn’t meant to be, the right place is still out there waiting for us,” flowed from me as I slowly let our support network know it didn’t work out.

Then, as the day wore on and we got more details about the final bid that won, my emotions and thoughts quickly began to shift as everything that was alive beneath that layer of disappointment came flooding to the surface:

anger (“This is so unfair”),

fear (“We’ll never find anything we want, we’ll never have security, I’ll never make enough money…”),

sadness (“My dream is lost”),

and shame (“How can I be wallowing in this self-pity when there is a war being waged in Ukraine, when there are people living un-housed and in dangerous conditions, when I already have a job and a safe place to live and others have so little to survive on…”).

Turns out that feeling I call “disappointment” isn’t as simple or straight-forward as I thought.

So what can we do when it rears its head, with all its complexities and layers, in our everyday lives? How can we actually honor that disappointment and everything beneath it without drowning in it or pushing it away?

Here’s are 3 bit of wisdom that have helped me move forward in the past 24 hours, and that may be of some benefit to you, too:

1) Acknowledge & Accept: As I said in my last newsletter, those “unpleasant” thoughts and feelings that we try to ignore often just grow stronger and dip deeper below our awareness, and it is in that shadowy place where they can do their greatest damage to ourselves and our relationships. So rather than ignore that pang of disappointment (or the anger, fear, sadness, and shame riding right behind it), notice it, name it, and allow it to just be there, without clinging to it or pushing it away. Find a phrase that helps reassure and remind you that this feeling is valid yet it will also pass.

A favorite mantra that I reached for in my dark moments yesterday comes from the Buddhist teacher, Ajahn Sumedho: “Right now, it’s like this.”

2) Validate Your Experience with Self-Compassion: Have you ever experienced the sensation of salt or citrus juice getting into an open cut? THAT is the perfect metaphor for what shaming & blaming yourself does to your psyche when you’re disappointed (or angry or fearful or sad). I don’t know about you, but when I started shaming myself for how I was feeling yesterday, a curious thing happened: those feelings got even more intense…because shaming yourself doesn’t help you move through difficult feelings, it keeps you stuck in them. The thing that CAN and DOES work, though, is the practice of self-compassion.

As researcher Kristen Neff puts it, “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” For me, this looked like saying the following validations to myself yesterday:

”Of course I’m having these thoughts and feelings, anyone in my situation would be disappointed!”

“This is a huge decision & purchase, and it’s perfectly natural that is would bring about big dreams AND big fears.”

“Right now I’m experiencing a form of suffering, and that is part of the human experience. May I bring some kindness to myself in this moment.”

3) Find Refuge & Hope in a New Perspective: It was only AFTER I fully acknowledged, accepted, and validated what I was feeling that I felt myself opening up to a new way of viewing my situation. (Because remember: what we resist, persists!) As the energy of my disappointment, anger, fear, sadness, and shame began to dissipate, I felt ready to shift my mindset by taking a more empowering perspective:

“I’m getting practice at this process of home-buying.”
”I’m learning a lot.”
”The right house will reveal itself to us at the right time.”
”My income is enough for what I need.”
“I have all the resources and skills I need right now to continue to strengthen my finances to the best of my ability.”
”I am safe and happy where I am right now.”
”I’m doing the best I can.”
”I trust the process.”

So the next time you find yourself in the grips of disappointment and all its noisy cousins, I invite you to give these practices a try. You might find yourself moving forward more quickly than you expected or have in the past…and if not, that’s okay too. Remember to trust your own process.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic, what your own experience is with these practices, or what other strategies you’ve found helpful in moving through the “D” word in your own life!

In love, light, and wildness,

Becky